star wars for dummies


Guess what. I’ve never seen any of the original Star Wars movies. There, I admitted it.

Star_warsIt’s true. Somehow I was able to avoid Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of The Jedi growing up in the 80’s. I’m not sure how I did it, but I did.

In college a couple of friends dragged me to see Episode 1: The Phantom Menace starring Jar Jar Binks, which I think explains why I never had any desire to see Episode 2. In fact, Episode 1 caused me to loudly declare that I’d spend the rest of my life actively avoiding all things Star Wars, which I’ve actually done a pretty good job with. Until now.

Episode III looks awesome! Kevin Smith, director of "Jersey Girl" and "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back" said it’s amazing. Some people are calling it the best one yet. And my girlfriend, who’s a big fan, said she’d break up with me if I didn’t see it. So I think it’s in my best interest to go.

I’m probably not going to have enough time to catch up and watch the 4 Stars Wars flicks I’ve missed before Episode III comes out, but that’s not going to stop me from learning the things I need to know. I’m picking up the necessary knowledge another way: from commercials. Here’s what I’ve figured out so far.

Darth Vader - He’s the bad guy. Despite being bad, though, he loves Slurpees. "Darth Dew Slurpees" to be exact. He also has the ability to make your tongue turn "Darth Vader Black" when you eat Twisted Cheetos. Currently, he can be seen fighting a boy with a spoon-light saber on the cover of select Kellogg cereal boxes.

Yoda - He’s a good guy, even though he has trouble structuring sentences properly. Loves Diet Pepsi more than anything. And, even though he’s good, that won’t stop him from turning your tongue "Yoda Green" when you eat Twisted Cheetos.

Chewbacca - He’s very hairy and inarticulate, but that doesn’t stop him from somehow earning a living recording ring tones for Cingular Wireless. You have to respect that.

R2-D2 & C-3P0 - They also enjoy recording ring tones, but they take a backseat to the hairy dude. Maybe because they’re robots and robots don’t have souls. That’s my theory, at least.


M2-D2 & M-3P0 - Okay, I really don’t understand these guys. They appear to be M&M versions of the robots I just mentioned. I’m not sure if they’re good or evil, and I’m also not sure if they melt in your mouth and not in your hands. I assume they’ll answer those questions in Episode III.

Obi-Wan Kenobi - I haven’t seen him pitch anything big, so I’m assuming he’s just a supporting character or something.

Finally, the last thing I’ve learned. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, everybody LOVED Burger King. Now off to Revenge of the Sith I go! Wish me luck!

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