Thursday Morning Quick Hits

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Hasselhoff_loves_puppies

According to this shameless puff-piece, John Travolta is 30 years old,
was the top choice to be the next James Bond, and is about to play
Captain America
. Also, his crap is rainbow-colored, flecked with
24-karat gold, and jasmine-scented.

HBO will air a series about a polygamous Mormon family. All your wives are belong to us.

Paris Hilton
denies having a one-night stand with Tom Sizemore, resulting in the one and only time nobody disputed a claim made by Paris Hilton.

Time Magazine’s list of "five new things that will blow your mind". In other news, "Five New Things That Will Blow Your Mind" movie due to be released from Warner Brothers.

  David Copperfield plans to impregnate woman on stage without using his magic wand.

NYC company offers "customized reality adventures" replete with "executive kidnappings". Michael Douglas not available for comment, as he is trapped in a box in South America.

Birthday Rolex from Marilyn Monroe to JFK sold at auction for $120k. Bidder disappointed to discover birthday song, dance, BJ not included.

Minutes after Fox cancels "The Simple Life", Paris and Nicole realize the world isn’t paying enough attention to them, decide to make up.

Charlize Theron lauded for her immersive research as a coal miner for upcoming movie. Was equally diligent for upcoming role as Aeon Flux, working in Hoover factory, learning how to suck.

Unlike Madonna, Courtney Cox has no problem with her kid watching TV. Protective services threatens to intervene if the child is exposed to any of her dad’s movies.

David Hasselhoff flattered and thankful that hackers use his image to deface web sites. No-no David. Thank you.

The Nintendo Entertainment System turned twenty yesterday, still plays video games in parent’s basement.

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