Tuesday Quick Hits

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Paris Hilton was attacked by her pet monkey. I’m not going to make a joke, I just want you to read that sentence over and over and over again.

Not niiiiiiiiiiice. The Kazkh government is threatening to take Sasha Baron Cohen, a.k.a. Borat to court for making fun of thier country. Once they establish a system of government and improve transport he’ll be in so much trouble.

Ozzy is terrified that he’s going to catch the bird flu. From this point out he’s limiting his bat-biting incidents to once-a-week as a cautionary measure.

When you see names like Jerry Rice, Robert Wagner, Lisa Rinna, and Drew Lachey next to one another it can only mean one thing: time for another crappy reality show!

Yes, a woman has put a Daniel Radcliffe/ Harry Potter countdown clock online so you can count down the seconds until he turns 18. Because, you know, most teenage boys hold out until they’re 18. Right?

A beverage company has unveiled salmon-flavored soda. This is a classic case of supply and demand: They supply it, you demand they stop.

And finally, the BIG NEWS of the day! Jude and Sienna are… ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

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