- Rocker Pete Doherty has been sentenced to one year of community service for possession of drugs. But don’t worry; he believes that if he gets high enough it’ll only feel like a couple of weeks.
- Paris Hilton has been issued a restraining order to stay away from a 37-year-old event planner. Now if only somebody could issue her a restraining order to stay away from cameras.
- Angelina Jolie has supposedly asked a past lesbian lover to be the godmother of her children. If there’s only one story this year that bridges the gap between the old scary/sexy Angelina and the new motherly/humanitarian Angelina, it’s this one.
- President Bush wants the cartoon violence to end. Hagar The Horrible responds, "No dice."
- Simon Cowell says he’d sleep with Paula Abdul to "relieve the tension." In other news, Simon Cowell is horrible at foreplay.
- The Rolling Stones are pissed that they were censored at the Super Bowl. Seattle fans eagerly try to find a way to blame that on the referees as well.
