A press conference will be held in Prague today to announce who’s going to take on the role of the next "Bond Girl." Actresses like Charlize Theron and Thandie Newton have already passed on the project, so it’s really anybody’s guess as to who it’s going to be. I’d like to offer a couple of suggestions, before it’s too late.
1) Katie Holmes – Now that she’s escaped Tom’s clutches, Katie’s the perfect choice. She has a new lease on life, she’s ready to let loose, and you know that anything the evil Bond-Villian throws at her won’t be nearly as scary as the stuff she’s seen at the Scientology Center these past 10 months. Now, granted she’s very pregnant, however if you’ve ever seen a James Bond movie you know that that probably won’t deter him from nailing her. Kinky pregnant fetish sex? Sounds like a job for Bond. James Bond.
2) Sienna Miller – We know this: she’s a feisty one. The girl’s a fighter (when confronted with the paparazzi or British nannies), and she doesn’t take any crap from anybody… except Jude Law.
3) Jake Gyllenhaal – James Bond has done it all. Everything from Pussy Galore to Plenty O’Toole to a pre-Catwoman Halle Berry. All great choices. He’s cheated death countless times, he’s gone on adventures that most men only dream of, and on more than one occasion he’s actually saved the world. But you know what he hasn’t done? A dude. It’s time. It’s 2006 and going gay is hot right now, so maybe it’s time that J-Bond takes one for the team. I couldn’t think of a prettier Bond Boy than Jake. Too bad the last name "Goodhead" was already used by the girl in Moonraker.
4) Paris Hilton – If Denise Richards can be cast as a nuclear weapons expert in The World Is Not Enough, anything is possible.
5) Jenna Jameson – When it comes down to it, what’s a Bond Girl’s main purpose? Answer: to get down and dirty with 007. It’s time for Hollywood to throw all that "respectable actress" stuff out the window and cast a real professional. A woman with movies like "On Her Back" and "Philmore Butts Taking Care of Business" listed on her imdb profile. James Bond has had more than enough Girls in his life… it’s time for a Bond Woman. A dirty, dirty Bond Woman. I’d pay $12 to see that. Wouldn’t you?