While You Were Downloading ‘Best Night Ever’ Off iTunes

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  • Ledgerjpg Britney Spears is worried she’ll die the same way Princess Diana did: Married to Prince Charles.
  • Heath Ledger wants to play George W. Bush on the big screen. He just can’t get enough of those gay cowboy movies.
  • A recent study shows that ugly people are more likely to commit crimes. And more likely to own Metallica T-Shirts.
  • Simon Cowell says he doesn’t keep in touch with past American Idol winners. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul continues to insist that she doesn’t have sex with past American Idol losers.
  • The British act Elbow will perform a show with 100 children later this month. Michael Jackson wonders out loud, "Why didn’t I ever think of that?"