F*ck You! No, F*ck You: Donald vs. Martha

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F*** You!  No, F*** You!

Topic: Trump vs. Stewart- Who Screwed Up The Apprentice?

Jason: Okay, so Donald Trump just wrote a letter to Martha Stewart telling her she should take responsibility for the poor reception of her version of The Apprentice. Everybody knows that there was no way people were going to watch Martha while Trump was on the air. I mean, c’mon! Did he really think that she could compete with such a talented, brilliant, interesting, gracious, and handsome man? He should have either pulled his show or waited to start Martha’s until he was ready to quit.

Piper: Jason, it’s so like you ‘man-pigs’ to not understand. Martha did succeed. She proved that women can do it all: from raising a 35-year-old daughter to sitting in a fake boardroom and looking like an executive, Martha blazed a trail for all working women with her Apprentice. It hasn’t been easy for her either. When she started her catering business in the maid’s quarters of her multimillion dollar Connecticut mansion she had only a small clientele of rich bored housewives who throw high-profile gala events. Since then, she’s managed to build an empire from the ground up without one single glitch besides prison.

Jason: Look Piper, just because I think Donald Trump is the most compelling figure in the history of television doesn’t make me a man-pig, anymore than your ra-ra act for Martha makes you a hairy-legged, granola-eating she-beast who probably fantasizes about getting Martha in the prison shower. It doesn’t mean that you spend every Friday night in a blond wig pretending that you have your own cooking show. It doesn’t mean you call your cat Alexis and chastise her for not meeting your expectations. It doesn’t mean those things, but it does mean you’re all wrong.

Piper: For your information, Jason, Alexis the Cat has been making more of an effort lately. And what does my blond bob wig have to do with anything? Here’s what it comes down to: Donald has a ‘the’ before his name, Martha doesn’t. People don’t respect her just because she doesn’t have a ‘the’. Yes Donald’s ‘the’ is huge, but why does he have to rub it in Martha’s face?

Jason: Yeah, okay, he’s got the "The" before his name. But she’s moved into even more rarified air: the one-name club. She’s just Martha, like Cher or Madonna. Who has "The" before their names? Mobsters! But you don’t see The Donald complaining that this association with mobsters hurt his ability to succeed in the world of construction. Just like you, Piper, Martha is a big cry-baby.

Piper: That’s ‘the’ Piper to you.

Jason: Are you threatening me? Because I’m ready for anything you’ve got…

Piper: I save my battles for the fake boardroom, Jason. Only Martha can judge me. Oh and her daughter too.

Jason: Martha certainly knows something about judges…

Piper: F*ck You!

Jason: No, f*ck you!