SIZZLER: The South Park Conspiracy Plot Thickens

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Isaachayes
The Evil Geniuses who sign my check are doing an amazing job at keeping this whole South Park Scientology Episode Re-run "Controversy" in the press for as long as possible. 

The latest development: Isaac Hayes did not quit his role as "Chef" as previously reported, but in fact someone else "quit it for him."  Ooh, the intrigue!  Who could this shadowy puppet-master possibly be?

My guesses are after the jump.

Tomcruiseprincipal

Tom Cruise, the obvious candidate – Given his extreme starpower, constant public flogging of Scientology and his aggressive defensiveness of his beloved religi-cult, Cruise is the usual suspect.  But with his busy schedule of holding his fiancee hostage and convincing us he’t not gay, I’m not sure Tom has the time for this sort of undertaking. 

Xenu

Xenu, the Intergalactic overlord – Look, if the dude can bring billions of humans to earth, stuff them into volcanos, blow them up with H-bombs and release infinite amounts of soul-based toxins into the air, I’m pretty sure he can put in a call to Comedy Central and get the axe dropped on Chef.

Lronhubbard

L. Ron Hubbard, the bad sci-fi writer – When not chasing down Ferris Beuller, this guy dedicates his time to writing bad science fiction and tricking people into believing that his gobbleygook is reality and that they should give him all their money.  With those kinds of manipulation skills, how could it not be him?  Oh yeah, he’s dead.

Wilfordbrimley

Wilford Brimley, the phantom menace – Sure, you know him as the sweet grandfatherly guy from the oatmeal commercials and Our House, but Wilford is nothing if not cold-blooded evil incarnate.  Trust me on this.  I mean, did you see him in The Firm?  Just look at that picture.  Wilford Brimley doesn’t f*ck around, and something tells me he wouldn’t hesitate to kill a man.  GUILTY.