While You Were Failing To Launch
- Manwhore George Clooney managed to stave off the advances of Womanwhore Lindsay Lohan, mercifully avoiding the apocalyptic tabloid nuclear fallout that would have resulted. It’s good to know that Oscar George is above Wilmer Valderrama’s table scraps, whereas Batman George probably wasn’t.
- A fan threw a syringe at Giants slugger Barry Bonds as he played in the outfield yesterday. Jeez, whatever happened to peanuts and crackerjacks?
- "Uncle Jesse" John Stamos will become a regular in the cast of ER this fall. Meanwhile "Unlce Joey" Dave Coulier will continue being a regular at the Sunshine Diner on Fairfax.
- Ambien on your Corn Flakes? The Breakfast of Champions. And by "champions", I mean cokehead has-beens two casino tours away from the cast of The Surreal Life.
- Recently sprung supermodel Naomi Campbell visited peace activist and former South African President Nelson Mandela. Mandela had to repeatedly explain to Campbell that she couldn’t fight apartheid with her "cellphone of mass destruction".
- Scandal-plagued Republican Tom DeLay has been forced to step down from Congress. During his farewell address, DeLay reportedly shook his fist and yelled, "And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you snooping blogs!"