And the Oscar For Best Actress In An Exploitative Role Goes To…


Oscar loves nothing more than movie stars flexing their thespian muscles in roles in which they must transform their beautiful selves into human trainwrecks, painstakingly mimicking the speech and behavioral patterns of the disabled, drug-addled, homosexual, mentally ill, plain ugly, etc.  This year some lucky actress gets to add "non-responsive vegetative person who can’t speak or move" to this hallowed list of Oscar bait as Hollywood has decided the time is finally right for the Obligatory Terri Schiavo Movie.  You can bet every agent in Tinseltown is on the horn right now, desperately trying to convince the studios that their starlet is the perfect candidate for the role of America’s most famous unconscious person.  Here are my picks for the best casting choices:

Sharon Stone

Why Her?  Knowing how Hollywood likes to "sex things up" a bit, what better way to do so than the aging warhorse that is Sharon Stone’s genitals?  Just think about all the possibilities for the soon-to-be-infamous "changing the bed pan/legs crossing" scene.


Roseanne Barr

Why Her?  She looks most like Schiavo, she needs the work, and
this could be the role America has always wanted to see her in: one in
which she doesn’t speak.


Paris Hilton
Why Her?  Sure, she’s way younger and better looking, but anyone who’s seen Paris’s infamous sex tape knows she’s the best corpse in the biz.  Also, she’s trying to get more "serious" roles – if she can be Mother Teresa, why not Schiavo?


Charlize Theron

Why Her? Because she’s clearly angling to make a career out of convincing us that she’s not beautiful by  constantly covering herself with fat suits and prosthetic ugliness, so this could be her tour-de-force.  She’s like the Sir Laurence Olivier of the unattractive.


Philip Seymour Hoffman

Why Him?  Because he’s awesome and the dude can pretty much play anything.  I mean, have you SEEN Boogie Nights?

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