Dear Dr. Weiss,
I’ve frozen myself in blocks of ice and buried myself alive. This May, I plan to float underwater for a week(see picture). So why do I still feel so unfulfilled? Please help.
I’m glad you made the choice to ask for help. But I’m afraid your latest stunt– a week in an underwater aquarium in New York’s Lincoln Center– is just another cry for help. (letter continues after the jump)
I’ve been informed that you have feeding tubes and a temperature control mechanism to keep you free from danger. And I can only imagine, with your hypochondriac tendencies, you will have doctors check your vitals 24 hours a day. All of this leads me to believe you don’t want to hurt yourself, you just want to float semi-naked in a glass sphere in the middle of New York, while strangers gawk at you. Which is, technically, psychotic.
My colleagues tell me at the end of the week, ABC will film a 2 hour event where you attempt to hold your breath underwater for a really long time. Does this have anything to do your mother? Did she neglect to watch you swim in your neighbor’s pool growing up? This televised splish-splash, is, what we call, ‘acting out’ as a result of parental divorce.
I wish I could prescribe something that would patch you up, but what you need is far beyond my scope of expertise and will require years of intensive psychoanalysis. In the meantime, I implore to stop taking out your unfulfilled adolescent desires on the people of New York. We can’t all pay attention to you all the time. In fact, if you continue on this course, I will have to advise New Yorkers to just ignore you. It’s the only way you’ll learn. In the meantime, keep taking your Ritalin. I know you don’t see it, but the fact that you’re not attempting to freeze yourself in an ice-block again, tells me it’s helping.
Dr. Weiss, B.L.O.G.