While You Were Picking May Flowers

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  • Rosie O’Donnell’s new View contract stipulates that she cannot cut her hair. They want her to keep it long and flowing in an attempt to capture the coveted 18-35 year-old Guys Who Like Ugly Chicks demographic.
  • Paula Abdul has revealed that Michael Bolton used to be her babysitter. Looking for work, Bolton responds that he’s still available if anybody needs him to watch their kids.
  • Paris Hilton has announced that she thinks smoking is “so sexy.” The statement outraged parents everywhere, who are now forced to reconsider whether or not the allegedly herpes-ridden, talentless hotel heiress is the role model they thought she was.
  • The Fox Reality Channel is planning a new reality series titled My Bare Lady, where cameras follow American Porn Stars as they ready themselves for a performance on London’s West End. It promises a ton of hot girl-on-girl thesbian action.
  • Tom Cruise has hired a staffer to monitor his garbage. Staffer gives M:I::3 one star.
  • Most people prefer Robin Williams over 9/11. Whereas I happen to think it’s a draw.