Now that she’s finished serving the 65 hour jail sentence she chose over charity work after getting caught drunkenly endangering the lives of motorists, LOST star Michelle Rodriguez sits down with the press to refelect on her time in the pokey, and just how awesome it was. As she inexplicably describes prison as “so cool”, we’re going to have to once again employ our patented Celebrity Translator Technology to figure out just what the hell she’s talking about:
MICHELLE, regarding her fellow inmates: “It was a primal crew. The only thing that keeps them going is fighting for salt and making dice out of soap.”
TRANSLATION: Minimum-security jailtime with a bunch of white collar types serving two-day misdemeanor sentences is pretty boring, so we mostly just ate a lot and played Yahtzee.
MICHELLE, on coping with the dangers of prison: “It’s, like, if I’m gonna be killed in there, I’m gonna be killed in there. But people were cool.”
TRANSLATION: I did my best to not think about all those stories I’ve heard about the bloody prison battles between first-time shoplifters and people who didn’t pay their parking tickets.
MICHELLE, on standing up to prison bullies: “I represent the people, you know what I mean? If somebody picks on me, they’ll get what’s coming.”
TRANSLATION: I’m famous, you know what I mean? If somebody picks on me, they’ll get a call from my agent.
MICHELLE, on the stuff she did to remain productive behind bars: “Writing poetry. And singing show tunes with the girls… I’m not surprised they kicked me out early.”
TRANSLATION: Reading scripts. And trying to have sex with the other girls. The guards kicked me out after my time was up, saying prison isn’t a gay bar and that I had to go try and pick up chicks somewhere else.
MICHELLE, on her overall impression of jail: “It was an amazing experience. I wouldn’t take it back for anything.”
TRANSLATION: I’m a lesbian. Locking me up for two days with a bunch of women in a hot jail setting is pretty much like punishing a fat person by sending them to the Olive Garden.