Has anyone else noticed that this has been a particularly slow celebrity news week? With the possible exception of Lindsay Lohan’s coked-up publicity tour, there has been an alarming draught of idiotic hijinx, juicy gossip and other assorted insanity for us to make fun of. Sure, Britney’s pregnant again, but that was totally unsurprising and mostly just sad. You celebs really need to stop sleeping on the job – Tom Cruise, as awesomely crazy as he may be, can’t keep carrying you people week after week. Even old stand-bys like Paris Hilton, Brangelina and Jessica Simpson have been quieter than Suri Cruise’s birth, keeping their absurd antics to a frightening minimum. For god’s sake, things are getting so bad that we’re resorting to round the clock coverage of a non-magician and his half-baked quest for attention. Now’s the time for all you fame-whore wannabes to step up to the plate and make something happen! I’m looking at you, Jessica Alba – why don’t you try doing something other than just being hot?
Please, we’re dying over here – and garden variety marriage/divorce/pregnancy rumors just aren’t gonna cut it. K-Fed’s album is “dropping” for weeks yet, so we’d really appreciate you celebs getting off your lazy asses and giving us something to ridicule in the meantime.