CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Lohan Goes Down

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justluck.jpgSummer Blockbuster season has begun, during which time Hollywood rolls out the biggest and best goods they’ve got. Here’s what they came up with:

1. Ethan Hunt is desperately clinging to the cliff of success, suspended above the chasm of inevitable irrelevancy by his straining fingertips and sheer determination to brainwash the world – $24.5 million

2. Near…far…whereeeeeeeever you are…you probably didn’t go see this. Oh well, at least Celine Dion didn’t write any more f*cking songs – $20.3 million

3. Remember when Robin Williams was even remotely funny or entertaining? Me either – $9.5 million

4. People are always asking, “Why is Lindsay Lohan so famous? Like, what has she done to deserve the attention regularly showered upon her?” Well, smartypants, have YOU ever opened a poorly-reviewed movie in 4th place that grossed less than what you were paid to “star” in it? Wink wink – $5.5 million

5. Will there EVER be a week without at least one generic “horror” movie in the top 5? Who goes to these, and what could they possibly find scarier than the ridiculous plotting and hacky over-wrought dialogue? – $3.7 million