MTV News recently, inexplicably, released this story entitled “10 Actors Who Can Take a Folding Chair to the Face”. The list includes such Hollywood heavyweights as Hulk Hogan from Rocky III, Terry Funk from Road House (amazing movie, by the way), and The Rock from Be Cool. While this list is all well and good, I went a little further by creating a list called “5 Actors I WISH Would Take a Folding Chair to the Face”, including hypothetical scenarios outlining how I’d like this to be accomplished.
5. Ice Cube – So in the middle of his latest family-friendly blaxploitation comedy, D-Bo from Friday shows up and repeatedly beats Cube in the face with a folding chair while loudly reminding the one-time rapper that he used to be in N.W.A. and needs to stop acting like a sell-out b*tch movie star.
4. Matthew Perry – I just think he has a flat face and it would be funny to see what would happen if someone hit it with a folding chair everytime he made some kind of pseudo-witty Chandler-esque pun. I guess I’m easy to please.
3. Sean Williams Scott – There could be yet another American Pie sequel, this one entitled American Stifler Repeatedly Getting Hit in the Face With a Folding Chair.
2. Nicholas Cage – Since this guy seems to be so popular for moping, sighing and whining his way through literally every movie he’s in, someone should just make a movie called “I’ll Give You Something To Cry About”, where Cage plays a terminally-depressed loser who must overcome his crushing melancholy through the tough-love style help of Joe Pesci, who would brutally and loudly beat Cage in the face with a folding chair every time he whined.
1. Wilmer Valderrama – I’d like to see a movie in which I personally co-star with Fez, and get to hit him in the face with a folding chair as many times as I could.