A History of Violence Repeats Itself

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Upon further consideration of this week’s “Diva Beef” post, I’ve realized that the Dueling Bimbos of today really do mirror Hip-Hop’s infamous East Coast/West Coast rivalries from the late 90′s. Replace glocks with cell phones, dis tracks with tabloid quotes, and it’s essentially the same thing. This is long and complicated, so try to stay with me:

The Main Players

Now: Lindsay Lohan
Then: Biggie Smalls
Affiliation: East Coast

Lindsay Lohan and Biggie Smalls are both enormous personalities known for their voracious appetites (Biggie for food, Lindsay for men) and highly-visible presence on the NYC scene. Biggie dealt coke, Lindsay allegedly snorted it – and both of them ended up as the West Coast posse’s most reviled foe. No one knows the exact origins of the beefs between Big and ‘Pac, or Paris and Lindsay, but they constantly fought over issues like the opposite sex (Lil’ Kim/ Wilmer Valderrama), turf (drug trade/magazine covers) and overall respect (album sales/who gets to star in Brett Ratner’s next movie).

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Now: Paris Hilton
Then: Tupac Shakur
Affiliation: West Coast

Like Tupac before her, Paris Hilton is simultaneously hated and feared, and is Gangsta #1 when it comes to representin’ the West Coast. In fact, if Los Angeles were to become a flesh and blood human being, it would be Paris Hilton. Paris displays the same brash, flamboyant, highly-publicized behavior that ‘Pac was known for, and shifts allegiances carelessly and constantly. No matter who’s beefing, or what it’s about, chances are that Paris is somewhere in the middle of it – and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Now: Nicole Richie
Then: Puff Daddy (aka Puffy, aka Sean Combs, aka P. Diddy, aka Diddy)
Affiliation: East Coast

Just like Puff Daddy and Tupac used to be homies before the beef, Nicole and Paris were BFF prior to their public falling out. After a productive collaboration, during which time they created some of the most staggeringly-horrible-television/legendary-rap-tracks in history, the girls/rappers parted ways after a misunderstanding (Tupac’s assailant/Paris’ sex tape) left them estranged. Nicole/Puffy has since retreated from the limelight to pursue their other business endeavors (writing books/starting clothing lines).

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Now: Mary-Kate Olsen
Then: Snoop Doggy Dogg
Affiliation: West Coast

Like Snoop, Mary-Kate is an “OG starlet” who’s already pretty successful and therefore tends to lay low and get her smoke on during most of the action, but still isn’t afraid to jump in and sucker-punch somebody when a fight breaks out. Ashley Olsen would be sort of like Nate Dogg, in that she’s a close relative who mostly just stays out of sh*t, unless she has to regulate.

Supporting Characters

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Now: Mischa Barton
Then: Jay-Z
Affiliation: East Coast

More talented than her peers, and smart enough to avoid unnecessary conflict whenever possible, Mischa will likely be one of the few starlets to emerge from this tumultous period still on top, just like the Hova did back in the day. Marissa is the Jigga of Beverly Hills.

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Now: Christina Aguilera & Mariah Carey
Then: Dr. Dre & Eazy-E
Affiliation: West Coast

Like Dr. Dre, Christina is too busy building her own career to usually concern herself with the inane bickering going on between her peers. However, she still might occasionally engage in a mostly harmless side feud to defend her respect against a fellow gangsta such as Mariah Carey, just like Dre did with Eazy-E back when The Chronic came out.

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Now: Britney Spears
Then: Michael Jackson
Affiliation: Neverland

The Prince and Princess of Pop are both far too famous, too absurd, and too busy with their own problems to bother participating in all the drama going on around them.

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Now: Kimberly Stewart (aka The Other Blonde Chick Paris Hangs Out With)
Then: Coolio (aka The Guy Who Did That Song From Dangerous Minds)
Affiliation: West Coast

Kimberly Stewart, just like Coolio, is irrelevant, cartoonish, and will be famous for 15 minutes, mostly because of her name. The main players might let her hang out now and then, but she isn’t really important enough to be involved in the drama.

The Opposite Sex

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Now: Wilmer Valderrama
Then: Lil’ Kim
Affiliation: Bi-Coastal

Just like Lil’ Kim wasn’t famous for much more than causing the beef between Tupac and Biggie, Wilmer’s only notable personality train seems to be his inexplicable ability to go back and forth between the beds of the battling starlets, making himself more famous in the process.

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Now: Greek Shipping Heirs
Then: Random Gangsta Bitches
Affiliation: Bi-Coastal

Like the big-bootied girls shaking their stuff in the background of all those old rap videos, the Greek Shipping Heirs are relatively meaningless, kept around solely for appearances, and no one really knows who they are.

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