Top Five Best Career Decisions God Made for Stephen Baldwin

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baldwin.jpgAccording to his upcoming memoir/Bible adjunct, “The Unusual Suspect: My Calling to the New Hardcore Movement of Faith,” God has made many of Stephen Baldwin’s major career decisions. And from what we can telll, He puts super-agent Ari Gold to shame. We took a look at the trajectory of Stephen Baldwin’s career and saw that god has helped turn one man into the kind of star in Hollywood that no one wants to can touch. After the jump, check out the top five best career decisions that God has made for his second favorite son:

5) Live in a Bio-dome: According to his upcoming book, God saw the script about two stoners trapped in a biosphere and that it was good. He urged Baldwin to accept Pauly Shore as his personal savoir–because he never lets you down. In fact, most people don’t know that God tried to get Baldwin a cameo in Son-in-Law but contractual obligations got in the way.

4) Create a Buzz: This year, God saw that Baldwin was in a career funk. He said, Stephen, what you need is a little press. So he advised Stephen to stand in protest against a porn shop opening in his New York neighborhood. And then, genius marketer that God is, he advised Baldwin to take pictures of everyone who entered and left the store. Taking pictures of people who like porn was a great way to get the public interested in what Stephen Baldwin was all about. And certainly set the record straight that Stephen’s not a Jesus freak or a pervert.

3) No Alias: According to his memoir, Stephen says God told him to turn down the role as Jennifer Garner’s love interest in Alias. God must have thought Baldwin was too big a star to return to TV, after playing Barney Rubble in The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas. And we can’t really blame Him. Those were heady times and the press was just clamoring for more Stephen. He was like a God himself so why would he stoop to a long-running, well-written TV series? Not when he had movies like DeadRockStar and Dead Awake lined up.

2) Have a Threesome: The movie which co-starred Josh Charles and Lara Flynn Boyle was pretty much a soft-core porn movie set at a college campus. Miraculously, God saw that a movie that would drive teens to have unprotected three-way sex was a worthy cause, worthy enough for his disciple, Stephen.

1) Build an Empire: On the 100,984,21th day, God asked Stephen to be His business partner. God offered to be the brains behind the operation if Baldwin lent his star power and his unique ability to talk to ‘teens’. So Baldwin launched stephenbaldwin.com, a website that preaches the word of god with hip words like “wack” and “homies.” And even produced a documentary about Christians into extreme sports called Livin’ It! But his greatest feat was the invention of MyPreaching, where Baldwin preaches the word via his Myspace blog. It looks like God and Stephen are becoming entertainment’s next dream team. With this kind of management, Stephen has a good shot at being asked to host Scare Tactics for another season.

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