While You Were Searching For Signs of Evil

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  • Janice Dickinson opened up to Howard Stern about her horrifying sexual history, including a “hot threesome with Grace Jones and Dolph Lundgren“. The word you’re looking for right now is “eww”.
  • Tom Cruise prays for the people who write about him. I was wondering why I keep having these dreams where a 75 million year-old Intergalactic Warlord with an English accent hovers over me, politely insisting that Tom is “quite the ladies man”.
  • Nelly Furtado cut her duet with Coldplay’s Chris Martin from her latest album. She explained her decision by saying, “I used to think Coldplay was alright, but ever since he married a movie star and became Mr. Easylistening, they just sound kinda gay”.
  • Brandon Davis‘ grandmother says he’s not only sorry for what he said, but is now actually dating Lindsay Lohan. Total BS, but imagine how hot the make-up sex would be (Get it, “hot”? You know, cause she has a “firecrotch”? Anybody? Ok, sorry.)
  • Britney Spears says she’s planning to design a line of baby clothes. Her first idea is a cute little onesie than just says “Douche-dad”.