While You Were Cleaning Out Your Ears

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  • Sharon Osbourne says that Ozzy’s sex drive has been completely ruined by his 2003 motorcycle accident. I would have guessed it was the decades of massive drug abuse, or maybe a crippling fear of polluting the world with any more of his spawn.
  • Britney Spears has taken steps to legally trademark “Sean Preston”, her son’s name. She was more than a little miffed to then discover that husband K-Fed had already traded rights to the name to his dealer for a bag of weed and a FUBU hat.
  • Lindsay Lohan’s repeated bathroom breaks during a recent awards show annoyed nearby Vogue editrix Anna Wintour to the point of telling Lindsay-sitter Karl Lagerfeld to “control her behavior”. The starlet defended herself by saying, “You try staring at Karl Lagerfeld and Anna Wintour for two hours without having to puke a few times”.
  • Denise Richards’ restraining order requiring Charlie Sheen to stay at least 300 yards away from her and their children has been extended for another month. This is fine with Sheen so long as Richards doesn’t take the kids anywhere near strip clubs or high school sporting events.
  • The lead singer of Papa Roach says his band’s new album is “like a meat locker”. In that it stinks, sounds like animals being slaughtered, and will probably make you want to vomit.