We’re only one week into the World Cup and I’m already exhausted. It’s not easy to pretend to care about soccer day in and day out. As an American I know that none of us actually care about soccer, but for some reason during the World Cup we all have to pretend. It’s our duty. That’s why I made this list: Here are 7 tips to help you fool the people around you into thinking you actually care about World Cup soccer. I hope it helps.
1. Pick a favorite team. You can either go with your country of origin, your parents’ country of origin, or one of those countries in South America if you want to look like you know what you’re doing and be a dick about it.
2. Be disappointed in the U.S. I mean, I was expecting BIG THINGS from this team, and then they went and blew it against the Czech Republic. Can you even name one player on the Czech Republic? Me neither. Of course, I can’t name one player on team USA either, but that’s not important. We choked and I’m so disappointed.
3. Buy a soccer jersey. Casual friday is coming up. What better way to let the people in your office know that you’re a big time World Cup junkie than wearing khakis and a Ronaldo jersey to work?
4. Constantly check your cell phone in public for scoring updates. Make sure you do this roughly every two minutes, because you never know when that ONE goal in the game is going to be scored.
5. Call it ‘football.’ Though if you’re American and you do this within ten feet of me, I’ll probably punch you in the throat.
6. Watch games that involve countries you couldn’t find on a map. Oh man, I am so psyched for June 21! Cote d’Ivoire is taking on Serbia-Montenegro. It’s going to be such a great game! I hope I don’t forget to set my Tivo!
7. Make casual conversation with busboys and/or anybody who’s ‘Spanishy looking’ that you pass on the street. Because if World Cup soccer does one thing, it’s bind us all together through our mutual undying world-wide love of soccer. Except when we riot and kill each other over bad calls.