While You Were Smuggling Fireworks

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  • There are lots of possible theories explaining why we still haven’t seen any pics of Suri Cruise: difficult-to-explain resemblance to E.T., the posthumous wishes of L. Ron, the fact that she probably doesn’t even exist because there’s no logical explanation for how she ever could have been conceived. But, as usual, the real explanation is the obvious one: the tabloids haven’t coughed up a big enough “donation” to charity the Church of Scientology.
  • According to tabloid reports, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban’s wedding ceremony this past weekend was “simple and intimate”. Baz Luhrmann, the wedding’s director, reportedly put together a quiet little ceremony featuring a parade of neon-painted elephants ridden by midget country singers doing a 20-minute musical medley of rare Frank Zappa B-sides played in ragtime, while fireworks shot out of best man Toby Keith’s shotgun/guitar.
  • After the unfortunate death of producer Aaron Spelling, some people are asking the question, “Where’s his daughter?” Tori, who had been publicly feuding with her parents in recent months, released a statement explaining that she just needs some time to privately mourn the loss of her place in her father’s will.
  • In “happier” grave-robbing news, E. Pierce Marshall – better known as Anna Nicole Smith’s mortal enemy in the battle for her dead husband’s billions – unexpectedly passed away this weekend, providing yet another example of how Anna Nicole is living, breathing proof that karma does not exist.
  • All deaths aside, this weekend’s truly tragic news comes to us from the world of music: Kevin Richardson, now approaching his 40′s, has finally decided to leave the Backstreet Boys, citing the problem of otherwise having to rename the group a decidedly creepier “Backstreet Middle-aged Guys”.