While You Were Watching the Firecrotchworks

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  • Lil’ Kim, fresh out of her lil’ stint in prison, reportedly gained a lil’ weight while she was in the can. In Kim’s defense, the food probably is pretty good there – and who really has the time to exercise?
  • Terrance Howard, whose next role is a swimming coach for a team of troubled teens, is clearly a student of the Cuba Gooding Jr./Samuel L. Jackson School of Post-Oscars Career Destruction Through Boring, Feel-Good Film Choices.
  • Mariah Carey says she will only eat things that are purple. Look, just because you were drunk at a party and tried to make a brazen pass at Prince and his purple package, doesn’t mean you need to lie about your entire diet.
  • According to Page Six (8th item), Kathy Hilton, probably deep into her 6th vodka-xanax martini during her party in the Hamptons this past weekend, mistook Bryant Gumbel for Star Jones’ husband Al Reynolds while greeting the recently-departed host of The View. Gumbel was a little offended, but kept reassuring himself by saying, “at least she wasn’t talking about Al Roker“.
  • Enron’s Ken Lay, who was facing life in prison for his part in one of the biggest corporate frauds in US history, died this past weekend from a heart attack. I know all dogs go to heaven, but what about all rich corporate crooks who made their fortunes by robbing hard-working Americans? Where do they go?
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