There is no such thing as an unimportant awards show, and the television Emmy Awards is one of the most vital recognitions of high art that this country has. This year’s nominations were announced earlier today, so we decided to take a closer look at several of the categories in an attempt to better understand exactly what these nominations mean for both television and the future of all humanity as we now know it.
Best Comedy Series
“Arrested Development,” Fox
“Curb Your Enthusiasm,” HBO
“The Office,” NBC
“Two and a Half Men,” CBS
We’re not really sure how a Charlie Sheen/Jon Cryer rip-off of My Two Dads could possibly be considered better than Entourage, or how Scrubs could still be so popular, or how Arrested Development could ever have been cancelled, but none of that really matters since The Office will win anyway, and rightly so. There is simply no taming of the Schrute.
Best Drama Series
“Grey’s Anatomy,” ABC
“The Sopranos,” HBO
“The West Wing,” NBC
The fact that LOST was omitted from this list is far more mysterious than anything about the island on which the show is set, especially considering that The Sopranos pretty much sucked this season (no matter how hard it is for us to admit that), The West Wing hasn’t been cutting edge since Bush’s first term, and House is, well, I’ve never seen House. Grey’s Anatomy will most likely be surgically removing the award for this category. Oh, and one other small little observation – where the F*CK is Six Feet Under!?!?
Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Larry David, “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” HBO
Kevin James, “The King of Queens,” CBS
Tony Shalhoub, “Monk,” USA
Steve Carell, “The Office,” NBC
Charlie Sheen, “Two and a Half Men,” CBS
Larry David has been so awesome for so long that people just sort of take it for granted, so I doubt he’ll win this year. Tony Shalhoub used to be pretty awesome on Wings, but I didn’t even know shows on USA were eligible for nominations. Kevin James is fat. Unless this is also an award for sleazy hooker-banging, I’m not really sure why Charlie Sheen is on the list. Steve Carell will probably win and probably say something funny after he does.
Best Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Lisa Kudrow, “The Comeback,” HBO
Jane Kaczmarek, “Malcolm in the Middle,” Fox
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “The New Adventures of Old Christine,” CBS
Stockard Channing, “Out of Practice,” CBS
Debra Messing, “Will & Grace,” NBC
I know a few housewives whose careers just got a little more desperate. Other than that, who really cares about this category or any of the people in it?
Best Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Denis Leary, “Rescue Me,” FX Network
Peter Krause, “Six Feet Under,” HBO
Kiefer Sutherland, “24,” Fox
Martin Sheen, “The West Wing,” NBC
It’s hard for me to admit this, but I teared up when Peter Krause died on Six Feet Under. He therefore wins by default, especially when you consider how badly SFU got screwed out of all the other awards it so clearly deserves, such as Best TV Show Ever.
Best Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Kyra Sedgwick, “The Closer,” TNT
Geena Davis, “Commander in Chief,” ABC
Mariska Hargitay, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit,” NBC
Frances Conroy, “Six Feet Under,” HBO
Allison Janney, “The West Wing,” NBC
I like Frances Conroy and all, but I think this award should really go to the two women who deserve it most – Barbara Walters and Star Jones on The View.
Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Will Arnett, “Arrested Development,” Fox
Jeremy Piven, “Entourage,” HBO
Bryan Cranston, “Malcolm in the Middle,” Fox
Jon Cryer, “Two and a Half Men,” CBS
Sean Hayes, “Will & Grace,” NBC
GOB is awesome, and I can’t get enough of Piven throwing staplers at his assistant, and who didn’t love Duckie in Pretty In Pink, and I’ve never heard of that guy from Malcom In the Middle (didn’t even know that show was still on), but this award simply must go to Sean Hayes for the completely original turn his character took on this year’s Will & Grace, boldly choosing to portray Jack as a spastic collection of flaming homosexual stereotypes. That kind of courage deserves to be rewarded.
Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Cheryl Hines, “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” HBO
Alfre Woodard, “Desperate Housewives,” ABC
Jaime Pressly, “My Name Is Earl,” NBC
Elizabeth Perkins, “Weeds,” Showtime
Megan Mullally, “Will & Grace,” NBC
I dunno, this is usually around the time in the awards show where I go outside to smoke a cigarette and wonder whether or not I’m currently more intoxicated than Kiefer Sutherland.
Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
William Shatner, “Boston Legal,” ABC
Oliver Platt, “Huff,” Showtime
Michael Imperioli, “The Sopranos,” HBO
Gregory Itzin, “24,” Fox
Alan Alda, “The West Wing,” NBC
Michael Imperioli’s incessant rehashing of Christopher’s junk problem is nowhere near enough to overpower the sheer dominance of The Shatner. You’re not even allowed to nominate William Shatner for an award he’s not going to win – that’s an actual rule in Hollywood.
Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Candice Bergen, “Boston Legal,” ABC
Sandra Oh, “Grey’s Anatomy,” ABC
Chandra Wilson, “Grey’s Anatomy,” ABC
Blythe Danner, “Huff,” Showtime
Jean Smart, “24,” Fox
I thought Candice Bergen died a few years back. Interesting.
Best Reality Program
“Antiques Roadshow,” PBS
“The Dog Whisperer,” National Geographic Channel
“Extreme Makeover: Home Edition,” ABC
“Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List,” Bravo
“Penn & Teller: Bull—-,” Showtime
Kathy Griffin has been nominated for a major entertainment award. Let that sink in. Splash around in it a little bit. Let the bewilderment flow freely throughout your shocked nervous system. Don’t be afraid. Confront it. Own it. And now it’s okay to cry.
Best Reality-Competition Program
“The Amazing Race,” CBS
“American Idol,” Fox
“Dancing With the Stars,” ABC
“Project Runway,” Bravo
I don’t know, something about “Best Reality-Competition Program” just seems like an oxymoron. Is this some sort of riddle? If so, the answer could only be Dog the Bounty Hunter.