Before working here, I’d never seen The View, nor had any inclination to do so. But Barbara Walters and her menopausal minions have won me over with their ability to create daytime drama unfathomable to even the soap writers over at Passions. From Merideth Vieira’s tearful farewell to Rosie O’Donnell taking her place to Babs giving Star Jones her walking papers, and with a whole bunch of minor hilarities packed in between, this talk show for women has emerged as a kind of estrogen-fueled version of WWF Wrestling, only with less tights, more Botox and roughly the same amount of elbow-drops. The latest factor in their equation of insanity is this recent announcement that Shannen Doherty, widely known for her unmatched powers of b*tchiness, will be filling Star’s empty spot for a few episodes, presumably trying out for a permanent spot on the show. The mind reels at all the possibilities for the various conflicts this move could produce, but after the jump I’ve done some free associations and listed the first few scenarios that came to mind.
- Shannen uses a spell she learned on Charmed to change Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s speaking voice into one that sounds eerily like that of James Earl Jones.
- After getting a little too mouthy about her opinions on sexuality, Shannen causes Barbara Walters to finally put into action her longstanding verbal threat to “have to cut a b*tch”.
- A long, rambling speech by Shannen explaining how each of the male characters on Beverly Hills, 90210 actually represent a specific example of why men are utterly useless and should thus be treated like the pigs they are – which is met with uncharacteristic agreement from her co-hosts, then followed by giggly discussion of how cute Dylan was.
- Even more catty bickering between the female hosts of the show.
- During the middle of a show, an onstage vortex appears, then produces a futuristic version of Star Jones, who has travelled 25 years back in time to continue arguing her side of the story about why she left the show. Incidentally, she’s chunkier than ever.
- After a boozy wrap party, Rosie O’Donnell finally ends up f*cking Shannen Doherty.
- The show will turn away from it’s set course of sensationalism and ill-informed gossiping, instead becoming a beacon of forward-thinking feminist intellectualism that inspires viewers to better themselves by learning to be less invested in the superficial nature of our materialistic culture, and more introspective about life’s greater questions – whose answers can produce a true sense of meaning an worth. Kind of a long-shot, but you never know.