God bless the fine people over at the Oxygen Network. They’re giving Shannen Doherty a 17th chance at fame with a new show entitled “Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty.” The show will consist of Doherty giving advice on breaking things off with your lover, friend or the entire cast of your hit 90’s television show. And if there’s anyone stable enough to dole out solid, concrete relationship advice, it’s a twice married, drunk-driving, Playboy-posing former child star notorious for her abusive streak.
We here at BWE have gotten our hands on a list of “Shannen Doherty’s Top 8 Ways of Breaking Up with Somebody“, and, to our surprise, she offers up some really promising constructive advice. Take a look…
of Breaking Up with Somebody”
1. Go to your local Hallmark store, and get a thoughtful card explaining that you really care for your significant other, but that you just don’t think you’re in love with them anymore. Then, drizzle it in pigs blood, and hammer the envelope shut with some rusty nails.
2. Ring his doorbell. When he answers the door, carefully and honestly explain to him your reasons for not wanting to see him anymore. Once you’ve finished, remove the butcher’s knife hidden in your beltloops, and stab a tastefully written note saying “It’s Over” into his front door.
3. Kidnap his dog. When he confronts you about it, explain that you feel like he’s kidnapped your livelihood. If he still doesn’t get the message, kill the dog.
4. Show up for a date wearing a ruffled peasant shirt and Z. Cavaricci’s. Then insist on calling him Brandon Walsh while “doing it”. If you’re a man, cut your hair like a real effing douchebag and swap out Brenda for Brandon. If still unsuccessful, ask him or her if they want to trade 90210 pogs — that should seal the deal.
5. Release a video tape of you banging a donkey. End the tape by saying it’s the best sex you’ve ever had. Even if you end up not breaking up, you should still turn a healthy profit from the sales.
6. Say “It’s Not Me, It’s You”. Then unfurl an 15-foot long torah scroll with all the reasons you hate that person written in your own blood. Make sure to include “Your mother’s a whore” and “I slept with your best friend.”
7. Hide overnight in his or her closet, wearing nothing but a showercap, floor-length cardigan and a rope for a belt. In the morning, when your boyf/girlf goes to get dressed, break out into Natasha Bedingfield‘s hit song “These Words”, using these new, break-up inspired lyrics:
These words are my own,
From my heart flow,
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
There’s no other way
To better say
I hate you, I hate you…
8. Kill yourself.