The Lifecycle of the Party Girl

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And now it is time for a very important BWE After School message, in which we warn our younger readers about the various dangers they might soon be facing. This week, we’re taking a look at an epidemic that’s currently sweeping our nation from Hollywood to Manhattan – the party girl.

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Phase One: Initial Seduction

Young, fresh-faced, newly-famous and still innocently untainted, you are easily seduced by a glamorous life of excess and luxury, never knowing the debasement and despair that awaits you once your good looks are finally gone.

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Phase Two: Growing Addiction

Now that you’ve gotten on the party train, you just can’t slow it down long enough to get off. Your indulgences have become habits, your self-control is no longer in your control, and it seems as if everytime you’re photographed, it’s while coming out of a nightclub – usually with at least one of your private parts are hanging out.

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Phase Three: Unsuccessful Rehabilitation

After your self-destructive antics got so out of control that the press latched on to them like barnacles on a sinking ship, you had no choice but making a futile attempt to get out of the spotlight for a little while. Maybe you did that by getting married and fat, or maybe you did it by getting drunk privately and fat, but either way, you’re not fooling anyone. Just because no one was there to see the wreck doesn’t mean the car still isn’t totaled.

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Phase Four: Ironic Admission

After all other image-salvaging options were exhausted, you did the only thing you could do: jokingly embraced the negative persona you created for yourself in the press. If people want to think you’re a braindead nyphomaniac whore, go ahead and run with it – turn up the volume to 11, make a home porno tape, and be the biggest braindead nymphomaniac whore this world has ever seen! People will love you for becoming what they hate about you. That’s what Zen is.

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Phase Five: Frightening Delusion

This is sort of a relapse phase in which, after having overcome your previous publicity troubles through a sheer determination to remain famous, you mistakenly believe that you are still the beautiful young talent you were back in the early days, and you start to act like you did back then, despite now being old and menopausal. What results is a tragicomic display wherein you look like a painted up sideshow freak at the circus, oblivious to the fact that people’s fascination with you is less about admiration and more about a sick voyeuristic curiosity. You’re probably on Vh1 now.

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Phase Six: Total Destruction

Your mind is like a planet who the Jedi failed to save from the Death Star. The years of drug and alcohol abuse have not only been unkind, they’ve been downright sadistic. Your grizzled, booze-chapped face looks like a tattered skin bag barely managing to hold your arthritic bones together. No longer even capable of the meager thinking ability of your youth, everything you mumble sounds like incoherent jibber-jabber. The party is over, the lights have gone out, and your glory has been forgotten.

Interesting Note: Keith Richards actually started out as a fresh-faced young woman back in the 50′s. She kind of looked like Keira Knightley.