Every now and again, while sitting through some 12-hour Real World marathon involving performing oral sex while simultaneously puking up your breakfast, memories of the solid sitcoms of yesteryear will flood our memories, the solid laughs, enjoyable storylines, fictional characters more pious and successful than ourselves. When did reality shows all start blending into one another?
So what is it going to take to revamp the world of reality programming? Here are a few ideas that would renew our passion for reality tv.
Years ago, you’d have to hot-hoof it to Mexico to see anybody eat a horse anus. Then Fear Factor came along, and dinnertime was ruined forever. The show began as a novel and shocking experiment in how far people were willing to go for prize money. Now, the show has turned into a parade for people with lifetime gym memberships to flex their guns on NBC. And, frankly, it’s getting a little bit boring.
My proposal: Fat Fear Factor. Think about it. All the fun of regular Fear Factor, except involving the morbidly obese. Have you ever seen a very fat man climb a cargo net while attached to a helicopter? Well I have, and it’s the epitome of entertaining.
And before you label me as someone who exploits the overweight, please remember that NBC is the same network that airs The Biggest Loser, the show that challenges obese people not to eat a wedding cake drizzled in pig fat.
Animal Planet’s Meow Mix House was a show that put 10 stray cats in a house and had people vote out the cat’s they liked the least. On Homeless House, ten homeless people would be put in a house, with America text messaging off one homeless a week. I am convinced this would be the greatest show in television history. The stakes have never been higher.
Cameras follow around an ex-reality star from one of the bigger shows, such as Survivor or perhaps Big Brother. We learn the pain of never being able to be hired for any other job, ever again. We go through the ups and downs of being hired and fired from any number of acne-related infomercials, the heartbreak of divorce and broken relationships, and then eventually, total madness. Imagine watching that Survivor dude kill a puppy with an arrow? Emmy gold, folks. Emmy gold.
The only way Ryan Seacrest could ever top American Idol‘s numbers. Seacrest’s face would be totally out of the picture, as a hidden cam follows the adventures of his wang. It would finally solve the riddle of is he or isn’t he… totally packing. (My money is on totally. And I’m pretty sure his “thing” looks exactly like Brian Dunkleman.)