Well, look whoâ€™s too good to appear as Captain Hook on stage: David Hasselhoff! The vazline-chested hunk of yesteryear wonâ€™t be able to appear due to some TV conflicts (word has it he’s trying to get his own show, Travels With The Hoff. . . we’re not kidding!) So producers decided to cast the only C-list actor with the moxy and know-how to fill Hasselhoffs canoe-shoes: Henry Winkler, aka â€œThe Fonzâ€. And at first, we were pretty jazzed!
Then we wondered: What must it be like to be Henry Winkler? What goes through the guyâ€™s head, when you’re brought in as Hasselhoff’s replacement? So, using a team of underpaid analysts, we compiled a timeline of a typical day in the life of an American Hero…
7:36 am: Wake up. Take a quick shower. Notice that my left thumb is completely numb. Too much positivity-spreading, I guess.
8:11 am: Make some coffee. Goddammit! Weâ€™re outta milk. Sigh. Why do I even botherâ€¦ shit! I just spilled the coffee all over my slippers! These were a gift from Ron Howard! Damn!
8:14 am: Go outside to get the paper. Uch â€“ itâ€™s covered in dog shit. This is unbelievable.
9:01 am: Watch Regis.
10:00 am: The phone rings. Itâ€™s Mickey Dolenz. I really don’t feel like speaking with him.
10:03 am: Mickey Dolenz has called me 14 times in a row. Maybe itâ€™s an emergencyâ€¦.
10:06 am: OK, this is crazy. Heâ€™s probably in a fiery car wreck in Pasadena, and The Fonz is his only hope. I gotta pick up.
10:09 am: Un-be-effing-lievable. Get this: Heâ€™s at a celebrity golf tournament, and Dick Van Patten had to drop out cause of some suspicious looking mole or something, and they need a replacement. I told him to take his Monkee-ass and go screw himself.
11:01 am: A strange car just drove into my driveway. This is kind of exciting â€“ wonder who it is? Probably some trespasser. Iâ€™ll kick his ass I swear to â€“
11:02 am: Oh, never mind. It was just somebody making a U-turn.
11:15 am: Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
12:17 pm: My agent just called. Seems like David Hasselhoff dropped out of some gay-ass Peter Pan production in London and they need a replacement. I didnâ€™t even listen to the rest of the pitchâ€¦ I slammed the phone down right in his face. Captain Hook? Iâ€™m the Fonz! My jacket is in the goddamn Smithsonian!
2:01 pm: At the supermarket. Some middle-aged woman sees me and loses it. â€œMr. Winkler! Iâ€™m such a huge fan!â€ I was in the middle of throwing some garbanzo beans into my cart, and had to stop to give her an extended thumbs up and an â€œEyyyyy!â€ She wasnâ€™t bad lookingâ€¦ I woulda banged her 30 years ago.
2:16 pm: Soâ€™s I’se goes to pay with my credit card, and it was declined. Which seems impossible â€“ I seriously make mills from the Happy Days residuals. (I do, right?) Anyway, I had to take out the toilet paper, a huge turkey, and my Luna bars. Sigh. What am I gonna wipe my ass with tonight?
4:25 pm: Just phoned my agent. I told the wife I turned it down and she freaked. After some major pride-swallowing, I accepted the Captain Hook role that wasnâ€™t good enough for â€œThe Hoff.â€ Pshâ€¦ â€œThe Hoff.â€ Who does he think he is: The Fonz?! Well I got news for ya, buddy, thereâ€™s only one Fonz, bammo, me, right here, got it? Eyyy! (pops collar, slams counterâ€¦ and a box of cereal falls from the cabinet onto his head, and all over the floor.) Damn.
7:00 pm: My favorite time of the day: Wheel of Fortune!
8:12 pm: I just tried on some jeans I used to wear around the Happy Days set. 3 more inches, and theyâ€™d fit like a glove!
9:10 pm: Sweet, sweet sleep. If only it was eternal. (Yawn.) Eyyyyyyy.