SIZZLER: In Today’s Probably Untrue Break-Up News…

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janiston.jpgEvery day, magazines and blogs wax ho-etic about celebrity break-ups. Who’s together, who’s apart, who’s cheating, who’s so coked out of their brains they don’t even know what year it is. Here are today’s top 3 celebrity break-up rumors:

1. Jennifer Aniston Dumps Vince Vaughn. Likelihood? Nil. Aniston needs a big hunk-o-man to cry on, and Vaughn fits the bill perfectly. While the chemistry between these two is highly questionable, comedically and romantically, we’re convinced that another break-up in the public eye would drive normally nicotine-addled Aniston to murderously-sadistic levels of madness.

2. Scarlett Johansson Dumps Josh Hartnett. For Wilmer Valderrama. Likelihood? Believe it or not, possible! Scar has been spending an awful lof of time with Wilmer. And, assuming they are “intimate”, their sex life must be explosive. After all, this is the guy who deflowered Mandy Moore and the girl who snogged Benicio Del Toro in an elevator. I wouldn’t be surprised if these two got farm animals and the like involved.

3. Josh Duhamel Dumps Fergie. Likelihood? The universe makes sense again, that’s the likelihood. What Duhamel, a veritable God, was doing with this pants-pissing Kirstie Alley lookalike was so beyond the brain capacity of the American people, this break-up won’t even register. By our calculations, the two were never even dating. See what denial can do for you, kids?