• SELF-PROMOTING LIST: Rolling Stone ranks the Top 500 songs of All-Time, putting Bob Dylan‘s “Like a Rolling Stone” and the Rolling Stones’ “Satisfaction” as numbers 1 and 2. Ranked third? Little known band Oversized Magazine‘s song “Rolly, the Stone that Rolled.”

  • McMIRACLE: Katherine McPhee beats her medically diagnosed McLaryngitis and returns to the American Idol tour. 11-year-old girls and 45-year-old men sigh in relief.
  • REASON TO BUY TIVO: Rosie O’Donnell‘s debut on The View is set for Sept. 5, and her first guest will be Jessica Simpson. You know the poor thing is gonna run off the set in terry-cloth daisy dukes and tears. Jessica that is, not Rosie… we hope.
  • POONMAN: Soundgarden has been slated to write the theme song to the new James Bond thriller, Casino Royale. The song is called “You Know My Name”, and if it’s anything like their anthem “Black Hole Sun”, we’ll be 13, awkward-looking, and friendless.
  • CRINGE-INDUCING PHOTOMONTAGE: The latest issue of Details features a photo-quiz comparing faces of Food Network chefs enjoying a meal to porno stars in the throes of ecstasy. Seeing Rachel Ray make her “O” face is like being groped by a drunk uncle… try to avoid it if you can.
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