SIZZLER: Tori $pelling Officially Not Rich Up The A$$

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ToriCover.JPGArbitor of Truth © US Magazine reports that Tori Spelling will only be receiving .16 percent of her father’s multi-million dollar fortune, as a result of a falling out with mother Candy Spelling. Estimations report that Spelling will only reap a measly $800,000 out of the death-pact, which as any ex-alum of 90210 knows, is barely enough to pay the help (read: Brian Austin-Green). It’s gonna be a tough life for Tori Spelling, but we believe that with enough miserly know-how and financial smarts, she can still live a pretty good life. Here are a few tips to help Tori save/earn some cash:

1. Melt down your 24K gold toilet and sell it for cash. Then, crap into Ziplock bags.

2. Remove your breast implants and use the saline as contact lens solution.

3. Use your last $3 to unearth your father’s corpse, string him up Weekend At Bernie‘s stizz, and show him off around town. People will be so distracted by the commotion they won’t even notice you shoplifting.

4. Fire your 8,000 servants and cook a meal for yourself, girl! Try it out — it’s liberating.

5. Kill your brother Randy and shave your head. Literally, no one will notice the difference, and you’ll be rolling in unearned blood money.

6. Get a job. Get a job. Get a job. Get a job. Get a job.

Did I leave anything out, dear readers?

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