Random Facts About Jews (According to Mel Gibson)

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jewishscroll.jpgNow that we’ve established that Mel Gibson has long had an interest in Judaism and is capable of enlightening us with previously unknown facts such as “the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world”, we thought we’d see what else he knows about God’s chosen people, which is how we discovered the following list of Random Facts About Jews (According to Mel Gibson).

  • Jews have secretly been trying to make candy and ice cream illegal.
  • Jews don’t worship Jesus even though He’s God and they’re supposed to.
  • Jews made that dude cut off Braveheart’s wang at the end of the movie.
  • Jews made Lance Bass gay.
  • Jews created Arrested Development just so they could piss us off by cancelling it.
  • Jews don’t believe in Christmas. What kind of people don’t even believe in Christmas!?!
  • Jews gave our founding fathers that whole slavery idea.
  • Jews are the ones who made it so hot outside.
  • Jews own almost everything. Everything except Malibu, that is – Mel Gibson owns that.
  • Jews share religious beliefs similar to those of Madonna.
  • Jews don’t care about 9/11.
  • Jews love Freddy Prinze Jr. movies, which is why he gets to keep making them.
  • Jews killed all the unicorns, which is why you don’t see them much these days.
  • Jews didn’t enjoy Lethal Weapon 3.
  • Jews believe in Scientology (but not Christmas).
  • Jews came up with the idea for Hogan Knows Best.
  • Jews don’t want you to know how to save money on your car insurance by using Geico
  • Jews made cursive writing irrelevant, thereby wasting countless hours of your childhood.
  • Jews only accept MySpace Friend Requests from crappy bands.
  • Jews can’t rollerskate very well.
  • Jews only print the Torah on unrecycled paper.
  • Jews all have the bird flu.
  • Did I mention the Jews don’t even believe in Christmas?
  • Jews drive people to drink (and then drive).
  • Jews invented bad stand-up comedy.
  • Jews left all those mean comments about Paris Hilton on TMZ.
  • Jews are the ones who put the snakes on the plane.
  • Jews don’t enjoy rainbows.
  • Jews never won a single episode of American Gladiators.
  • Jews don’t shop at Wal Mart as much as they should.
  • Jews are trying to stop JK Rowling from finishing the Harry Potter series.
  • Jews started the kosher thing just to annoy the rest of us.
  • Jews are the ones who made cigarettes give you cancer.
  • Jews are to blame for all those stupid Adam Sandler songs.
  • Jews don’t hug.
  • Jews have never had the Best Week Ever.
  • Jews don’t even bother to vote for their American Idol.
  • Jews invented SPAM – both the food and the annoying e-mails.
  • In their spare time, Jews enjoy making fun of Corky, that retarded guy from TV.
  • Jews like to harass innocent people who are minding their own business while drunkenly swerving their way down the Pacific Coast Highway.