Paris Hilton Will Make A Great Virgin!

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PARIS.jpgOK, we’re pretty sure that Paris Hilton is screwing with more than just the minds of the American people. In an interview with British GQ, the ass-goitered socialite claims that even though she travels about town with one or both of her labes hanging out of her shorts, and even though her sex video made it possible for people to finally watch porn while sitting in their cubicles at work, she’s actually quite the prude! In fact, she’s only slept with two men in her life (half of those times while the camera was rolling, obvs.) And she blames her celibacy on the demise of most of her relationships. Sure, Par. That’s it. Your “celibacy.” Not the fact that your mere existence proves that one can reanimate dog crap. Not the fact that you’re officially the only person to be referred to as a “fart in a mitten.” No — the celibacy. (Italics indicate lies, folks.) Hilton has now vowed to remain celibate for the rest of the year.

You know, there goes an old saying: Don’t buy your apples at a horse farm because you’ll end up with a mouthful of turds. While it doesn’t apply to this situation at all, and while it is a saying I just made up, I think the point of it rings clear: You are a dirty, ugly liar, Paris Hilton. So why don’t you go take your Hurricane Katrillions of dollars, and your zoo of rare and abused miniature animals, and leave the American people alone already. We’re much more concerned about Kate Bosworth‘s breastplate, thank you very much.

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