While You Were Contemplating the Scientific Possibility of Time-Travel, Based On What You Saw In the ‘Back To the Future’ Movies

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  • Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis sexually assaulted a female reporter from the LA Times sent to determine whether he’s really guilty of all those sexual assualt accusations. I can’t decide whether this the dumbest or most genius PR move of all time, but I’m pretty sure of one thing: Joe Francis is a really classy guy.
  • Ralph Shapiro, the prosecutor who filed DUI charges against Mel Gibson, has been taken off the case and will be replaced by deputy DA Gina Satriano. The switch is the result of a motion filed by Gibson’s lawyers requesting their client have more access to “sugar tits” in the courtroom.
  • Speaking of Mel Gibson, a mobile phone company is now offering a ringtone called “Mel In Malibu”, featuring an impersonation of the Aussie’s booze-fueled rant. It’s the perfect gift for any self-loathing, war-causing Jew, and just in time for Rosh Hashanah!
  • When Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson heard 200 of his countrymen were stranded after having fled the war in Lebanon, he jumped into a 757, picked them up, and flew them to safety. Then he bit off the head of a live chicken, covered himself in its blood, and performed a brain-crushing rendition of “Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter”. Now THAT’S f*cking metal.
  • Paris Hilton insists that she never profited from her infamous sex tape. It may have brought her career opportunities that were previously unfathomable, and helped her achieve worldwide celebrity status despite having no discernible accomplishments of any sort, but she most certainly DID NOT profit from it. What kind of person do you think she is?