• REASON TO WORSHIP MUPPETS: We didn’t want to believe that Sesame Street‘s Elmo was evil, but we just played an episode backwards, and are seriously jetting out of the office to kill our dogs… so maybe? (LA Times, This Picture)
  • INFURIATING BURIAL: Paris Hilton has purchased the gravesite next to “idol” Marilyn Monroe to bury her pet goat, Billy Hilton. In related news, how is Paris Hilton not in a hospital for retarded people? (Female First)
  • WISHFUL-THINKING HEADLINE: Brad Garrett, Wife, Secretly Split. World, Publicly, Does Not Care. (People Mag)
  • PLEBE SHOUT-OUT: Gwyneth Paltrow praises single mothers, saying she doesn’t know how they survive without the help of nannies, maids, and constant help from a hands-on husband. She then praised most of the American public, explaining that she doesn’t understand how they can wipe their own ass without the assistance of, like, at least 38 people. (Contact Music)
  • CLEVER CNN EDITOR: This should say it all: “German Authorities Watching Madonna… Poop on a Plane.” We’ve always wondered: Do her turds look like mirrored Disco Logs? Happy Tuesday, folks. (Defamer)
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