While You Were Hallucinating After Licking Carrie Fisher’s Face

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  • Jessica Simpson has been quoted as saying that ex-husband Nick Lachey has a small wang. Of course, they always look pretty small when daddy is holding firmly onto their balls.
  • After failing to attract our interest on their TV show, The Barkers have taken their idiotic drama to MySpace. Just what that place needs!
  • “Illusionist” David Copperfield says he has discovered the fountain of youth. Turns out the fountain of youth can be found in one’s willingness to make absurd claims to in order to get some press. You can live – or at least be marginally famous – forever!
  • A fan showered Stephen Dorff with novelty underwear. Coincidentally, that’s what I always say when my mom hooks me up with some new whitey-tighteys.
  • Star Jones has been dropped as the spokesperson for outlet shoe store Payless. Man, and I bet she thought there could never be anything more soul-crushingly humiliating than Hasselbeck’s face after getting kicked to the curb by The View.
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