While You Were Drinking and Driving in Malibu

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  • Ashton Kutcher claims that he and girlfriend Demi Moore never get into arguments. Probably because the last time they did, she ended up grounding him for a week with no TV.
  • Brandon Davis drunkenly got onstage at a Paris Hilton promo event to make some more lame “firecrotch” jokes, yet again. He’s sort of become the Dexys Midnight Runners of sucky pseudo-celebs, now reduced to traveling around to casinos and bar mitzvahs, doing his “Come On Aileen” for anyone who will still listen.
  • I don’t know what’s funnier about this video: Kelly Clarkson drinking Jack Daniels onstage with a bunch of Metal dudes. Or a bunch of Metal Dudes doing standup comedy onstage.
  • An 11 year-old girl was crowned the first winner of America’s Got Talent last night, beating out freaks, fairies, jugglers and the distracting gloriousness of The Hoff’s watchful gaze.
  • While promoting her crappy new album, Paris Hilton has been giving impromptu motivational speeches, telling young girls they should not sleep around, which is the equivalent of Kieth Richards showing up with one of his famous Rum & Loritab punch drinks and telling you not to party.