Jail can be a pretty boring place, which explains Michael Lohan’s bizarre foray into satirical cartooning. Sitting helplessly in his cell, Lindsay Lohan’s daddy must rely on the power of his mighty pen if he hopes to protect his baby girl from the assorted evils of Hollywood stardom. As the complex imagery found in this allegorical cartoon might be confusing to the untrained eye, we have employed our expert celebrity deciphering skills to more clearly explain exactly what it is Papa Lohan is trying to say.
1. Lindsay: Beloved daughter, troubled starlet, innocent victim.
2. Michael: The well-meaning father who’s been torn apart from the mega-star daughter he’s always loved since she became famous. Every time he’s within reach of her (and her fortune), he’s ripped away by the brutish prison guards, who also represent the oppressive power of the authoritarian government under which he so suffers.
3. Dina: Lindsay’s selfish, gold-digging, whoring, manipulative, utterly evil excuse for a mother.
4. Brandon Davis: His taunts of “firecrotch” booming down from the heavens of Hyde nightclub like a terrible thunder.
5. The Evils of Excess: Paris Hilton, plastic surgery, cocaine abuse, angry letters from studio heads, Wilmer Valderrama, Us Weekly, misguided attempts at a musical career, STDs, anorexia and other perversities all rolled up into one giant satanic terror.
6. Hollywood Jew-devils: The greedy war-mongers Mel Gibson tried to warn us about.
7. TMZ: The ever-present celeb-stalkers whose sole purpose in life seems to be documenting every moment of every celebrity’s lives should they be foolish enough to leave the privacy of their homes. Have an uncanny ability to get close-up footage capturing every nipple slip, drunken tirade and violent paparazzi outlash.
8. The Entourage: Lindsay’s band of merry-making enablers who keep their mouths shut about her self-destructive lifestlye so long as the bar tab stays open.
9. Greece?: Not really sure what this is or why it’s there. Maybe Michael just really wants to take a trip to the Mediterranean or something. We hear it’s beautiful, and it certainly beats the pokey.