In the severance heard round the world, Paramount has cut its contract to veteran actor/placenta eater Tom Cruise. Says Viacom chief Sumner Redstone, “It’s nothing to do with his acting ability, he’s a terrific actor… but we don’t think that someone who effectuates creative suicide and costs the company revenue should be on the lot.”
Which got us to thinking: If Tom Cruise were in fact to commit creative suicide, he would definitely go out with a bang — one shot out of a ruby-encrusted air cannon, surely. Here are some other ways Tom Cruise could commit suicide creatively:
- He could hangglide off of the roof of the Scientology Celebrity Center and into the mouth of an active volcano
- He could swallow one end of the e-meter, put the other end up his rear, and run a charge through it.
- He could leave some shrimp out in the sun for a few weeks, then eat it.
- He could do his own stunts in Faces of Death 7.
- He could wait 16 years until Suri is old enough to drive, then steer her into oncoming traffic until a tractor trailer slams into the passenger side.
- He could take a single vitamin.
- He could go swimming off the coast of Ethiopia and get slayed by pirates.
- He could do tragically badly on Celebrity Fear Factor.
- He could buy a horse and ride it off the edge of the Grand Canyon.
- He could get lost in the deadened gaze of wife Katie Holmes, never finding his way out and suffocating to death.
Seems like the last one is the most likely. Any other ideas for Tom Cruise’s creative suicide?