The Evvy Awards: BWE Salutes the Emmys

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EMMY1.JPGWe are total awards show whores. The Emmy Awards are no exception. There we were last night, bedecked in diamonds and swathed in tafetta, reclining on our beds, eating chicken wings while wearing elbow-length white gloves… it doesn’t get any better. While we found the Emmys to be a bit of a bore — who knew you could give 47 awards away to something as tiny as a mini-series — it still delivered some spectacular moments. Now, we would like to present The Evvy Awards: Best Week Ever’s favorite moments from last night’s Emmy Awards.

  • Evvy for Best Opening Sequence: We loved last night’s opening montage, featuring Conan O’Brien spoofing nearly 37 of our favorite things, including South Park and Dateline‘s To Catch a Predator. In fact, we didn’t even tie in the similarities between the Lost plane crash footage to the Kentucky disaster that happened that morning, until Matt Drudge told us it was something we should care about. Look — no one seemed offended that Project Runway was nommed…
  • Favorite Sutherland: TIE: Donald Sutherland and Keifer Sutherland.
  • Least Favorite Sutherland: Half-sister Queefer Sutherland.
  • Most in Need of a Face Shammy: Steve Carell. While Carell held it together in prime loser fashion during winner The Guy From Wings‘ speech — side note: WHAT THE EFF? — his sweet eyes and sly smile could not betray the 48 ounces of flop sweat beading down his brow/lip.
  • (pic via Defamer)

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  • Most Likely to Trip and Impale Himself on his Emmy: Jeremy Piven, who, instead of kissing the top of his Emmy, pierced his own lip with it.
  • Best Use of the Forrest Gump Soundtrack: The In Memorium Montage. Runner-up: Making out in the eighth grade.
  • Best Speech: Greg Garcia, accepting for Best Comedy Writing for My Name is Earl. “No thank you, Mr. Mackadoo” became the catch phrase of the evening.
  • And the Bad Familial Tidings Evvy Goes To: The Spellings. Mama Spelling and sons on one half of the Shrine, and a pissy looking Tori Spelling, in Haute Old Navy, on the other side.
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  • Best Dressed: Julia Louis-Dryfus. Ok, it was pretty simple… but her speech was so cute!
  • Worst Dressed: Candace Bergen. Sorry, Murph, putting a chunky belt around an elderly barrel is never a good idea.
  • Most Bald: Calista Flockhart.
  • Prettiest Preggers Lady: Heidi Klum. Obvies.
  • Closest Resemblance to Raven-Haired, Greazed-Up Frankenstein: Simon Cowell. We also loved how some chose to boo him… even though he was presenting an award to a post-stroke Dick Clark. In a way, we’re glad we barfed, our dress was growing tight. Runner-up: Ray “Kah-Wren!” Liotta.
  • Closest Resemblance to Gay Frodo: Leslie Jordan, winner for Guest Actor on a Comedy Series, who claimed Emmy was the first woman he ever slept with. And if what we’ve heard about her sexual history is true, we still think he should get tested.
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  • Scariest Comedy Mafia: The Daily Show/Colbert Report. You may have noticed that many of the names nominated for The Daily Show were repeated as writer’s for Colbert. But we can’t talk about it any more because our knees will be broken… from laughter of course!
  • Best GILF: Helen Mirren.
  • Most Obviously Short Changed: Six Feet Under. A few nominations, one win (Patricia Clarkson, yay!)… for the best show of the year. Camman — Narm?! That deserves at least 3 Emmy’s alone.
  • Best Cameo: Kareem Abdul-Jabar, running onstage with the Ernst & Young accountants, dwarfing them in both height and penis length.
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  • Most Humble Award Accepter: Steve Carell. When The Office won for Best Comedy (thank God), Carell, the undeniable star of the show — if not in the entire audience — stood, nay, hid, behind his co-stars. A stand-up guy.
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  • Sexiest Man: Hugh “Light Up My Life” Laurie. Nuff said.
  • And finally, the Glad To Have You Back Evvy goes to…. Jeffrey Tambor! Hey now!! Luv Ya 4 VR Jeff!
    • Leave your honorary Evvy Awards in the comments!