11:00 – This is an abomination. Society is doomed. Goodnight.
10:48 – I’m wasted now and finding it difficult to type, much less form coherent thoughts about AFI winning “Best Rock Video”. God is dead.
10:24 – Kanye gives a moving speech about film and video director Hype Williams, who has done just as much for black culture as Spike Lee, except with more unnecessary explosions, blinged out Bentleys, and half-naked women shakin’ they asses.
10:21 – Britney Spears and K-Fed attempt self-satire and somehow end up looking more retarded than they do in reality. How is that even possible?
10:19 – Jack White and the Raconteurs must be really proud of being reduced to the house band for MTV’s vortex of suck.
10:08 – Since OK Go re-enacted their treadmill routine live on the show, I think that Panic! at the Disco should re-enact getting hit in the face with a bottle for us. This music is terrible, and Top Hat Tommy the lead singer looks like what would would happen if Pete Doherty got wasted on smack, f*cked Brandon Flowers from The Killers, and managed to impregnate him.
10:04 – “Ringtone of the Year”!?!? Shouldn’t this just fall under “Song of the Year”, being that the quality of a song is pretty much the same, whether it’s coming out of your Bose sound-system or some douchebag’s Motorola Razr in the middle of a movie theater? And now the dude who won is actually thanking like a bajillion people he’s WRITTEN DOWN ON A CARD in preparation for winning RINGTONE OF THE YEAR! I’m speechless.
9:53 – Hahahahaha, can someone please tell me what the f*ck Jared Leto and his Hot Topic co-worker are talking about??? Is he saying he’s into group goth sex?
9:48 – It’s funny to watch a man who filmed himself urinating and posted the video on the Internet only a few days ago referring to himself as “a king”.
9:40 – Alarms start going off like crazy, and as I’m becoming convinced Snoop just jacked Chamillionaire’s Moon Man trophy, Beyonce comes out and starts screaming so loud the mics blow out. Everyone goes nuts. I feel old.
9:37 – Snoop comes out to present “Best Rap Video” (they still call it rap?), holding some gin ‘n juice, flowin’ about bein’ an OG, soundin’ like one of them old dudes always sittin’ on his porch tellin’ stories. Chamillionaire wins the award, and I finally figure out who sings that “Ridin’ Dirty” song I always hear.
9:22 – In a moment of multi-layered (almost psychedelic) irony, Pink actually accepts her “Best Pop Video” award for “Stupid Girls” from two of them – Nicole Richie and Nick Lachey. Then pathetically tries to act like she’s “too cool and above it all” (after she thanks her agent, of course).
9:18 – America’s #1 Reject, Paris Hilton, wanders onto the stage looking “totally punk” to introduce The All-American Rejects. I spend the entirety of the song trying to determine whether she sucks worse than the music, or vice versa. It’s kind of a brain-teaser.
9:08 – OK Go performs the amazing treadmill routine we told you about on live television, doesn’t mess up, and provides us with what will undoubtedly be the one true entertaining segment of the evening.
8:59 – Jessica Simpson walks out to present an award, looking like that annoying drunk girl you’d take home from the bar if it were acceptable to duct tape a person’s mouth shut, and sounding like Buffalo Bill from Silence of Lambs, if he were incapable of speaking proper english.
8:51 – First Jack Black chokes, and now Sarah Silverman does a sketch about Lance Bass‘ month-old confession of penis-love that ends up being about as funny as tortured kittens? Dane Cook must be lurking around back stage, rubbing his unfunniness onto the few talented performers MTV has suckered into this place. It’s the only explanation.
8:45 – Why the f*ck could Kelly Clarkson “not make it tonight” to accept her award? Since when is she that big/busy of a star? 50 Cent said he’d “hold on to it for her”, so I’d hate to know what she’s gonna have to do to get it back.
8:35 – The jackasses from Jackass 2, several of whom are inexplicably nude, perform an ill-conceived stunt in which one of them gets shocked and the others laugh, along with two stoned community college students tuning in from Pueblo, Colorado.
8:32 – Shakira is performing, and somewhere nearby NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg is unable to contain his agonized moans of longing.
8:18 – Having procured my six-pack of Sparks and some Tandoori chicken, I am now safely within the confines of Vh1 studios (yeah, we didn’t get invited to our own awards show), prepared to provide for you my up-to-the-minute thoughts on the 2006 Most Important Night In History. Sorry I’m late, so, what’d we miss? Jack Black somehow managed to not be funny. The Raconteurs and Lou Reed played the world’s shortest version of “White Light, White Heat”, someone let Lil’ Kim out of prison, and James Blunt just won an award. It’s gonna be an awesome night.