Jessica Simpson Wins Car, Inspires Thoughts of Suicide

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Simpson.JPGWhile we were busy panhandling for enough money to buy a single, crispy ramen noodle, Jessica Simpson was busy scouring the swag booths at the VMA Music Awards. Simpson picked out clothing and accessories she liked, including a stop at the Nessa Lee Style suite, where she strung along something other than a mildly retarded public: charm bracelets. Simpson chose a moon for rest and an apple for health — but, when learning that the dolphin (or tursiops truncatus) charm stood for intelligence, Simpson responded with a “Who needs that?” While 5 of our brain neurons thought that maaaybe she was being sarcastic, we then remembered that any girl low enough to shtup Dane Cook probably thinks sarcasm is an orgasm’s funny, quirky, younger brother.

Then, in a stinging slap to all of our egos, Jessica Simpson also won a car. Yes — a $50,000 Chrysler! (Equivalent to the price of a single, solid platinum hair extension.) Thankfully, Jess will now be able to drive herself store to store down Rodeo Drive — we just hope she’s able to clean out the junk in her trunk. Hey-O!