We all know that understanding the strange and unusual language of celebrities can be quite difficult, but translating the words of the publicists they pay to speak for them can be downright mind-boggling, especially when that flack is the Larry Bird of Lies, Elliot Mintz. The poor soul given the charge of trying to somehow convince us that Paris Hilton has redeeming human qualities, Mr. Mintz is a master of verbal trickery and misdirection, especially when his client gets herself arrested Gibson-stizz. Luckily, our trusty Celebrity Translator is up to the challenge of cracking “the Da Mintzi Code”.
What Mintz Said: “She’s absolutely fine”.
What Mintz Meant: “She’s Paris f*cking Hilton. Do you think a pansy-ass drinking-and-driving charge could possible faze a person who is primarily known for starring in Internet porn, drunkenly stumbling in and out of nightclubs on camera, and regularly exploiting herself in any and all other ways that might land her on the pages of another magazine? Hell, this is GOOD press.”
What Mintz Said: “She was driving home from a charity event.”
What Mintz Meant: “She was driving home from an event at which she could do the one thing it is she’s actually capable of doing: having her picture taken and drinking free booze while having her picture taken and drinking free booze.”
What Mintz Said: “She had one drink, a margarita”
What Mintz Meant: “She was pretty f*cked up.”
What Mintz Said: “She didn’t appear in the least bit to be intoxicated.”
What Mintz Meant: “Okay, REALLY f*cked up.”
What Mintz Said: “Police detected the minimum blood-alchohol level to warrant an arrest.”
What Mintz Meant: “Like yelling obscene slurs about Lohan’s vajayjay f*cked up. Seriously.”
What Mintz Said: “She had spent the day shooting a music video for her new album, Paris.”
What Mintz Meant: “Her new album Paris is now available for purchase in most music stores as well as online. You can also buy a copy by calling me directly on my cell phone, right now, at 310-666-6666. I’m feeling crazy, so I’m gonna throw in a free “Stars Are Blind” music video DVD, and a used copy of her home-porn VHS tape to the first 50 callers. Act now as supplies are running…um, just act now!”
What Mintz Said: “It (her DUI) was probably the result of an empty stomach and working all day and being fatigued.”
What Mintz Meant: “It (her DUI) was probably the result of driving under the influence of all the alcohol she drank.”
What Mintz Said: “This was her first drunken driving arrest.”
What Mintz Meant: There will probably be many, more drunken driving arrests from which you will all take great pleasure and amusement. Think of Paris as your own private emotional punching bag.