While You Were Posting Paris’ Bail

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  • Paris Hilton was busted for Driving Under the Influence. The influence of alcohol– not just Brandon Davis.
  • Press reports indicate that Britney Spears will give birth to her second child today via C-section. K-Fed prepares to be bumped down one notch to the Fourth Most Likeable member of the family.
  • The Arctic Monkeys have taken home the U.K’s Nationwide Mercury Prize. Hipsters who wrote the band off back in April will hold a meeting to determine if this means they are “so over” or if it’s now safe to like them ironically.
  • Daniel Craig, a.k.a. James Bond, hates Los Angeles because you “can’t party” there. When reached for comment, Lindsay Lohan said, “Huh? What? Are you asking a question? Jesus Christ I’m so f**ked up right now.”
  • Viacom chief Sumner Redstone decided to fire CEO Tom Freston a week before he fired Tom Cruise. The 83-year-old also declared he wanted to fire Tom Hanks and Tom Brady, before being reminded he didn’t own everybody named Tom.
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