BWE SPORTS: Third & Long, Week 2


football1.jpgLet me start by saying I have nothing against Pink. I may not celebrate the pop star’s catalog, but you’re not going to find me at any anti-Pink record-burning rallys either (although that would actually be kind of cool). Pink and I just kind of exist on the same planet and over the past 2 1/2 decades we’ve had about as much of a connection as Lance Bass and Emmanuelle Chiriqui did in On The Line. It was great, until NBC went and ruined it.

In a misguided attempt to connect with women (or the nation’s youth, or other pop stars who are married to professional skateboarders), NBC tabbed Pink as the musical act that introduces their Sunday night NFL telecast. Now suddenly we’re connected. I never thought I’d say this, but come on… wasn’t Hank Williams Jr. available?

Onto to the three subplots that struck me as particularly interesting in Week 2 of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

Wide receivers continue to be the bane of professional sports, I blame Y2K

When did wide receivers become the worst people in the world? Was there an exact year? Without any real evidence to go on, I’ll say 2000. While we were all preoccupied with Y2K, Terrell Owens and several of his contemporary professional pass catchers took this opportunity to hatch a plan to become utterly despicable human beings.

One week after Oakland wide out Joey Porter brought you “I’m Going To Laugh Uproariously On The Sidelines As My Quarterback Searches For Feeling In His Fingers And Toes,” Detroit’s Roy Williams explains after the Lions’ 34-7 loss to the Bears that things like the score and winning doesn’t matter when it comes to celebrating a reception. “What does that mean?” Roy exulted. “That means nothing to me. The score means nothing.” That’s the type of leadership you want from your best offensive player. Damn Y2K bug.

It turns out, when you suffer head injuries in a serious motorcycle accident followed by having an internal organ removed in a wholly separate incident, you play poorly on ESPN’s Monday Night Football

Ben Roethlisberger made his 2006 debut on Monday for the Steelers and it wasn’t pretty. Like an embarrassing 9-0 shutout kind of not pretty. For those not in the know, while most Superbowl-winning quarterbacks are busy doing things like counting their millions, talking to Jay Leno and having relations with Tara Reid, Big Ben opted to ride around on a motorcycle without a helmet, nearly spilling his brains across Pennsylvania in the process. A few months later, he found out he had to have his diseased appendix removed, causing him to miss the first week of the season.

On Monday, noticeably gaunt and expressing a look in his eyes reminiscent of Lindsay Lohan at a Columbian cocaine factory tour (Free Samples!), Roethlisberger stunk up the joint, throwing two interceptions and sporting an unsightly QB rating of 38.7. I’m not ready to count out the Steelers as true contenders this season, but I think it goes without saying that their franchise quarterback is going to have to hop back in the saddle and stop playing like he’s taking the short bus to games. Metaphorically, of course.

Fantasy owners curse the existence of LaMont Jordan, Randy Moss, Daunte Culpepper and a host of other players that turned their league fee into a donation to one of their dirtbag friends that they don’t even really like

It may be too early in the season to count out the teams who have no chance in the NFL this year, but in the Fantasy World championship dreams are fading faster than Jimmy Fallon’s career thanks to players who are already showing that they’re destined for statistical failure this season. LaMont Jordan, for example, has provided his owners with four points in his first two weeks of action. Bo Jackson, TODAY, could give us better production than that and he has one ball and a plastic hip. I hate you LaMont Jordan.

Statistical flops are frustrating for the average fantasy player, who pours through piles of crappy magazines, online features and John Clayton SportsCenter segments in an effort to get an edge on draft day. There are two routes to go when you have a potential fantasy bust: You can try to trade him to the token idiot league member who doesn’t grasp things like “trends,” or you can do what I do, which is sit tight and hope your players can bounce back and… “Get The Party Started,” if you will.

And if you didn’t think I was going to force a misguided P!nk reference into the close of my entry today, well then you just don’t know me yet.

Dan Hanzus is a freelance writer based in New York City. He roots for the Jets and wishes he didn’t take LaMont Jordan in the first round of his fantasy draft.

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