While You Were Using 357 Words to Say “I’m Gay”



  • Oprah is threatening to sue some crazy dude who is running a one-man campaign to get her elected president in 2008. Oprah’s not interested in the presidency, as she’ll become Intergalactic Empress when she’s good and ready.
  • Matt LeBlanc has finally settled his divorce with his ex-wife. She will now receive 40% of all royalties from each “Joey loves sandwiches” joke that airs on future re-runs of Friends, and 100% of all royalties from future re-runs of Joey. Jackpot!
  • Director Brett Ratner defended his ruining of the X-Men franchise by saying, “I wasn’t, you know, worrying about what other people wanted”. He was, however, worried about finding new ways to make cameras fly around and whiz through unnecessary explosions, ridiculous dialogue and a non-existant plot.
  • Rapper DMX is the first man in the world to get away with cheating on wife by claiming he was “raped” by another woman (who also ended up pregnant). Unless she was a sasquatch, I am really having trouble visualizing a lady having her way with an ex-con who’s been shot before and wears industrial-grade chain as a “necklace”.
  • Mel Brooks is adapting his 80’s classic Spaceballs into an animated series for cable network G4. Yoooogurt!
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