SIZZLER: Lohan’s Dad Finds Pen, Paper & God

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Lindsay Lohan hasn’t spoken to father Michael Lohan since his prison sentence for drink driving and battery last year. And according to Pappy MiLo himself, all efforts to get in touch with his lil’ ginger one are being rebuked by self-air-quoted
“people” (read Mother Dina Lohan.) So in a last ditch attempt to contact his daughter, Michael, who recently found God, penned a long and heartfelt letter to his daughter and immediately sent it to British tabloid The Sun. After the jump, read his letter in full, along with our helpful Celebrity Translation.


Dear Lindsay,

Hey Girrrrrl,

It pains me to have to write to you like this, but it’s evident that my letters never reach you. My messages never get to you and ‘people’ continue to build walls between us.

As I write this letter, I am being taken from behind. But it’s worth it, even though your ‘mother’ continues to ‘hate me’ just because I ‘hit her.’

I can’t even begin to tell you how very sorry I am for causing you (and our family) the heartache and embarrassment I have.

I seriously do not have any money. Like… none.

I hold you absolutely blameless for all that’s been said and portrayed, as I know it has been under the advice of others, to sway both the courts and public opinion.

I blame you for this.

I also know the pain that comes with love, especially when two hearts and lives are divided. Sometimes we run – we seek to hide or just escape from the pain.

Did I mention that I may have hit your Mom? I think I was high when it happened. Wait, did I hit your also? I am really, really sorry about that. :)

In the meantime, people are either whispering in our ear, giving self-serving advice, or out to protect their own interests.

I hear voices all the time… even when I masturbate.

Unfortunately sweetheart, while you are so talented and blessed you have become their interest! As I told you all along, this would happen.

Why are you buying so many things? I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY. Give some to me.

You are an amazingly blessed, talented, intelligent and loving person. Use it to do good! To set an example by putting God and his principles first. Your love for life and people is a gift.

If it wasn’t for Molly Ringwald, you would be nothing. Nothing! You can thank God for that.

I trust you, I believe in you and I will love and protect you until my dying breath, and if that’s what it takes so be it! Please know how much I miss all of you. Stay strong my Angel! God bless you and stay strong!

No, seriously eat something. I mean, I love meth as much as the next cheekless dude in Cellblock G, but you look tine-tine. BTdubyabush, I eat slop three times a day. God put that food on earth for you to enjoy! And, also, to torture me.

Things do happen for a reason Linds – God’s reasons. Reasons I will never question ever again in my life.

You will be smote in an eternal hellfire one day, my love.

They’ve taught me more about myself, others and how important God is in our life, than you’d ever imagine! God, Linds! The one that blessed you, made your name famous and wants you to use your blessing to bless others.

But seriously, couldja bail Daddy out? I fed your ass till you were 13, you owe me. OK, gotta run, lights out. Xoxo4vr Shabazz Lohan

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