When you think about it, the Falcons were in the ultimate no-win situation on Monday against the Saints. Playing the first game at the Superdome since Hurricane Katrina, Atlanta was handed the despicable task of beating the Saints in a nationally televised broadcast that doubled as the cityâ€™s coming out party. If youâ€™re Michael Vick, is this the night you want to throw for 350 yards and four touchdowns? Didnâ€™t think so. The postgame press conference would have been completely uncomfortable for a winning Falcons team:
Al Michaels: Congratulations on the win, coach. How does it feel to send 75,000 New Orleans residents home completely and utterly disappointed tonight?
Coach Mora: Well, I feel dead inside, Al. Thanks for asking.
Luckily, this awkward situation never came about, as the Saints stomped over the Falcons, 23-3, to improve to 3-0 on the season. Good night for the NFL, and I liked Bonoâ€™s haircut, too. Even with the Falcons loss (and Green Day on stage during the pregame show), it seems like everybody won here.
Onto the three subplots I found particularly enthralling in Week 3 of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.
WHILE NEW YORKERS RIDE THE DYSFUNCTIONAL GIANTS INTO THE GROUND, THE JETS ARE GIVEN A NICE PAT ON THE HEAD FOR BEING GOOD BOYS
Listen, I know New York will always be a Giants town. As a Jets fan, this doesnâ€™t really bother me. I like the underdog angle… look what itâ€™s done for Rocky Balboa, Little Mac and Ashlee Simpson. But the Giants are held to a higher standard around here, and this year the disparity has been particularly jarring. A team with a defense that looks more haggard than Farrah Fawcett on a bender in Cabo, the Giants have been ripped to shreds by the media and their fan base since Sundayâ€™s debacle against the Seahawks. If you listened to sports talk radio here on Monday, you would have thought a roving group of 300-pound dudes in nacho cheese-stained jerseys were on their way to Giants headquarters with pitchforks and flaming torches. This, of course, would be kind of funny (though far more likely to happen somewhere like, say, Oakland).
Meanwhile, the Jets are 2-1 after Sundayâ€™s win over the Bills and the media could care less. The Jets are like the misbegotten child who only needs to bring home Câ€™s from school to keep their parents happy. But itâ€™s great to be in first place after three weeks, especially when every expert predicted that Gang Greenâ€™s season would be as fulfilling as Still Counting Blue Cars: Dishwallaâ€™s Greatest Hits.
THE FOLLOWING TEAMS PLEASE CALL YOUR MOTHERS, BRING YOUR PLAYBOOK, AND REPORT TO THE FIRING RANGE: TEXANS, TITANS, BROWNS, BUCCANEERS, LIONS
The television equivalent to starting an NFL season 0-3 is finding out you just scored a sweet part on an NBC pilot starring Seth Green. In other words, you are doomed and there is no hope whatsoever. I could be â€œprofessionalâ€ and find out the percentage of teams who started out a season winless in three games before going on to make the playoffs (itâ€™s incredibly nominal), but instead let’s talk about something interesting. The New York Post reported on Tuesday that Lindsay Lohan is trying to â€œget back atâ€ Paris Hilton with a convoluted revenge scheme that involves two ex-boyfriends and a fiancÃ© to be named later.
Two things I found interesting after reading this piece â€“ which robbed me of 2.5 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. Number 1, I found it extremely perplexing that Page Six had every angle of Lohanâ€™s plan covered perfectly even though it hadnâ€™t technically happened yet. This would involve not only a mole embedded inside the redhead’s camp, but also a mole who could see into the future. Number 2, the plan itself made very little sense to me, making it either the most brilliant and devious plot ever hatched in Hollywood, or final proof that these girls are the dumbest people ever. I think we all know what bubble gets filled in on the Scantron here.
NBCâ€™s SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IS TROUNCED BY THE SEASON PREMIERE OF â€˜DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES,â€™ NBC RESPONDS BY TOYING WITH THE IDEA OF BRINGING BACK â€˜FOUR KINGSâ€™
Okay, there is no truth to the Four Kings thing, but I just happen to be in the mood to bring up failed Seth Green vehicles today. NBC executives have to be a little bit uneasy with the performance of their SNF package this week. John Madden and Al Michaelsâ€™ call of the Pats-Broncos game actually came in third for the night, behind the old hags from Wisteria Lane and programming by CBS â€“ assumedly a Ted Danson sitcom where he looks roughly 112 years old and says things that make my mom laugh. Of course, if you read this space last week youâ€™d know why I think things are going so poorly for Dick Ebersol and his minions over at the peacock channel. Iâ€™ll give you a hint: She’s the color between white and red, she loves to get parties started, and she gets busy with a dude who rides a bike off ramps for a living.
Does that count as a blind item? Nice. Suck on that, Page 6.
Dan Hanzus is a freelance writer based in New York City. He roots for the Jets and turned on Seth Green following the actor’s appearance on ‘Entourage.’