CELEBRITY TRANSLATOR: Just Can’t Leto It Go

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letogaywad3.jpgIn their recent blowjob to interview with Jared Leto, MTV News gets the tortured musical genius to open up about just what in the hell is going on inside that sad little brain of his, so we thought this would be a good opportunity to fire up the old Celebrity Translator to shed some light on Jordan Catalano’s dark, dark soul:

“Forget the eyeliner — more importantly, what’s with my hat? I stole this from the guy in The Backstreet Boys, you know the one.”


TRANSLATION: Even though I wear make-up, I’ve got the balls to talk some sh*t about the Backstreet Boys. Oh, but I am way too dark and indie to actually know who they are. Seriously, make sure you print that.

“What changes [with success] is you can bring a few more lights, you can start investing in some of the ideas you’ve always had for production elements and you can present a show that’s not just four guys in jeans and T-shirts staring at their Chuck Taylors, which you can find at any given night at any bar across the country,” Leto said. “That’s fun for what it is, but we’re looking for something slightly different.”


TRANSLATION: Since I’m a pretty-boy actor who clearly lacks any discernible musical ability, my band can’t just stand on a stage and play real rock & roll. We’ve got to dress up like blood-splattered snow ninjas and do cartwheels all over the massive strobe-lit S&M dungeon setting for anyone to notice or give us even a tenth of the attention I so deserately crave.



“We’re very proud of [A Beautiful Lie] as a whole, so for me I don’t break it up into singles. I think of a record as a collective unit, and each song is like a chapter in a book. But certainly ‘From Yesterday’ [lends itself to being a video in that it's] a very cinematic song and a very visual song. It really is one of those songs that lets your imagination wander. Someone suggested that it was slightly surreal.”


TRANSLATION: I’ve never actually read a book, but I did read this interview with Bright Eyes in FADER Magazine and he said their music was “surreal”, and even though I’m not really sure what that means, it sounds like a cool word so I’ll just go with that. Wait, what was the question?

Leto is keeping the “From Yesterday” video details under wraps, but he said the concept is one he’s been tossing around for quite some time. “It’ll be very challenging but will fit the song like a glove,” he said. “You can count on something spectacular, exciting, fun and slightly perverted.”


TRANSLATION: I still haven’t found a director who has been able to withstand my pretentious douchebaggery long enough to film a single frame of my next video, but when I do, you can count on something that is unspeakably retarded.

As for the song, all Leto would say is that it was an idea Shannon, his brother and the band’s drummer, first brought to him. “I like people to take their own message from the song, if they indeed get one, and also just enjoy it for what it is,” he said.


TRANSLATION: If the Hot Topic-clad suckers who actually buy our music are able to sift through my incoherent angsty-pre-teen-pseudo-poetic lyrics long enough to take away some kind of actual message or meaning, more power to them.

“It’s pretty incredible to see what’s happening to 30 Seconds to Mars,” he said of their slow-building success. “This has got to be one of the most exciting times of our lives, creatively and professionally. Someone explained to me recently that most of the people who have our album have bought it in the past four or five months. That’s kinda cool, thinking that the record is still so brand-new. Fortunately, when we’re touring and playing, a lot of the songs still feel very exciting and fresh, and we’re investigating new ideas and how to present the songs in different ways.”


TRANSLATION: It’s pretty incredible that – after a decade of being a marginally famous actor, along with the last couple of years of shameless tabloid-whoring antics (not to mention a pretty nasty case of public lice courtesy of Lindsay Lohan) – a few handfuls of high school kids have finally embraced my musical vanity project and are now validating my desperate need to be taken seriously as both an artist and a human being. But I’ll continue investigating new ways to present myself to the media as even more of an assclown than I already have. Next question?

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